The Dirty Name
by EndoplasmicPanda
Summary: Jiraiya is an idiot. But what else is new? In which Naruto's name came from a different book. (A completely ridiculous, off-the-wall collaboration one-shot with Duesal Bladesinger)


_*Obligatory 'I don't own Naruto so please don't sue me' header*_

* * *

 **The Dirty Name**

 **~oOo00oOo~**

~- A collaboration One-Shot with _**Duesal Bladesinger** -_~  
(Read the Author's Notes for more details! The other half of this story is on his account!)

* * *

Jiraiya slouched back in his chair, pen in hand, a frown on his face.

He was getting _nowhere_ today.

Why was writing so _damned hard_ most of the time?!

He grumbled and reached across the table, gently setting his pen in a small cup perched behind his steaming lunch. To his left sat a massive pile of notes, sketches, rough drafts – the whole lot. It was a right-and-proper smorgasbord of writing material.

To his right, however, sat a lone notebook – a simple window into Jiraiya's life as a shinobi, and his thoughts. He briefly contemplated releasing it as some sort of memoir, but thought better than that.

' _People wouldn't want to read that,'_ he had shrugged, when Yahiko, one of his beloved students had approached him on the matter a few weeks ago.

So instead, at Yahiko's insistence, he was currently transcribing most of the more… _interesting_ parts into a sort of fiction story – one that was heavily influenced by his own experiences, but most undoubtedly _not_ real.

It was fun to write, if he was honest.

At least, when he _didn't_ have a tremendously awful case of writer's block.

The Toad Sage crossed his arms over one another in a sort of pout, staring at the walls of the cottage, deep in thought, while the perpetual rain pelted the tin roof like some sort of unorthodox symphonic movement. It was beautiful - in a clustered, disjointed, asymmetric kind of way.

Just the kind of white noise that Jiraiya excelled under.

Still, even under these most perfect of circumstances, something was… off. Jiraiya felt like there was some strange disturbance in the world – like something big, something immensely pivotal was about to happen. And that did nothing to alleviate the feelings of textual inadequacy that the man was experiencing.

Still, he powered through, writing a few paragraphs of nonsensical descriptive dialogue before finally moving back to his rapidly cooling lunch. With a sigh, he broke his chopsticks, offered a small nod in thanks, then began to slowly work his way through the lukewarm broth of the ramen before him.

After a few minutes of silent eating, Jiraiya's eyes began to slowly wander back to his left like an unruly child, where the massive pile of notes for his _other_ project rested.

He began to giggle like a schoolgirl.

With a cheeky, mischevious grin, the Sage began poking and prodding around the stack of papers like a mole rat searching for its evening meal.

He pulled out a few rough sketches and began to drool, quickly jotting down a few notes here and there across the pages.

Now _this_ he could write about.

Moments turned into minutes, minutes turned into hours, hours turned into-

"Jiraiya-sensei?"

The white-haired man blinked. Where before the cottage was empty, there was now a small red-haired teen sitting across the table from him, eyes shrouded in the self-doubt that usually hung over him like a thundercloud.

Nagato.

Jiraiya smiled warmly at the boy, setting aside his notes atop the dangerously unstable tower of raunchy writing material. "What can I do for you, Nagato?"

The boy fidgeted slightly, looking down at the floor, red hair shifting even further into a shroud for his face.

"Well…" he began quietly, kneading his hands together in his lap, "I was just thinking about what you said to me a few days ago."

Jiraiya blinked. ' _Shit… What's he talking about… What's he talking about… Think, Jiraiya…'_

He mentally snapped his fingers in success when a flash of memory resurfaced like a submerged pool noodle, and let out a silent cheer. ' _Right! Nailed it!'_

He smiled kindly, before speaking softly. "Sure, what about it?"

The boy started for a moment, before slowly calming himself with a deep breath. "Jiraiya-sensei…" he breathed, "…do you really mean what you said?"

Jiraiya blinked. "What do you mean? I've said a lot of things, you know," he grinned, leaning back in his chair, flinging his arm over the back lackadaisically.

"What you said about me changing the world."

This time, it was Jiraiya who started. "Hmm, that been egging at the back of your mind, has it?"

Nagato murmured in agreement, still not rising to meet his sensei's eyes.

With a slight sigh, Jiraiya leaned forward on the table, clasping his hands together around the ramen bowl. "You know, anyone can change the world. It's usually those you'd least expect to that do so." He smiled to himself slightly, pausing in reminiscence. "It doesn't matter what your pedigree is, or where you came from, or where you are now. All that matters is whether or not you have the guts to keep moving forward, and to come out ahead compared to where you started."

Nagato blinked, and slowly raised his head until he his eyes were level with the Sannin's. His silverescent eyes shimmered in the dim afternoon haze that had swept over their home in the hours since Jiraiya had sat down to work.

"…I see."

Jiraiya matched his gaze eye-for-eye, unflinching before the tremendous potential power of the legendary Rinnegan. "There's a curse of hatred blanketing our world – the world of the shinobi. Someone, someday, is going to have to take the steps necessary to squelch it." He smiled in embarrassment, before wrapping his hand around his neck sheepishly. "Part of me actually thought that it'd be me that'd finally do it, but now I'm not so sure."

Nagato's eyes flashed with determination, their power radiating off of him like a palpable haze. "Sensei, I… I don't know how to get there, but…" He sighed, then narrowed his eyes fervently, "But someday I'll break that curse. If there's such a thing as peace, I'll find it."

Jiraiya's mouth opened a little in surprise, before a beaming smile split across his face like a bolt of lightning. "Nagato, if anyone can do it, you can. I have the utmost faith in your ability."

Then, a lightbulb came on above his head, and he smiled even bigger. "Hey… I might have to write what you just said down, actually; that was pretty inspiring."

He gingerly grabbed the pen from his jar on the table, and began to scramble around for a free sheet of paper amongst his clutter. He grumbled when his searching proved less than fruitful, and conceded to simply jot it down over the rather… vivacious visage of one of his sketches for his "Book-to-the-Left", as he so called it in jest, project.

Whatever. He'd just remember to transfer it over to the "Book-to-the-Right" later, right?

* * *

Jiraiya tossed the empty sake bottle over his shoulder with a shrug, where it crashed to the floor with a massive clatter.

But he didn't care.

He had _finished._

Well, he had finished _one_ of his projects, at least.

As if part of some sort of divine intervention, Jiraiya had somehow been able to manifest the self-control to wrap up his first book – a rather… _provocative_ take on the enigmatic processes of love.

At least, that was the poetic way he put it, whenever any of his students asked him about what it was, exactly, that he was spending so much time on.

It was word porn, plain and simple. And Jiraiya knew damn well what it was he had just written.

He was now simply going back over his rough drafts with a prying eye, picking out mistakes and errors and changing things for the better – at least, in whatever manner his drunken self thought would be better.

With a flick of the wrist, he sent a few worthless pages of sketches and art away from his pile, no longer needing them in his writing endeavor. Then, his eyes widened to the size of saucers, and he leapt to his feet in horror.

"What 'm I thinking? Th… th'se could be used for my _next_ book! The _sequel!_ " he drawled to no one in particular, stumbling away from the table in an attempt to rescue his crude drawings from the clutches of the cottage's wooden floor.

With a few grunts and grabs, Jiraiya had reassembled his work, and tapped the stack together clumsily on the side of the table.

"'lright then," he mumbled, "Let's put you away somewh-"

He froze, as his eyes glanced over a lazy sprawl of handwriting – _his_ handwriting – written over one of his sketches… one of the sketches he had just reacquired from the clutches of gravity.

"Oh y..yeah! I forgot about this," he grinned, grabbing a pen from within his kimono, and moving to his rough draft. "I guess I still need a name for the main character anyways. Maybe…" he trailed off, rereading his notes. "…Maybe I can use this for that?"

He blinked a few times in a poor attempt to focus his inebriated mind, and finally settled on a solution.

"…'s a quote from Nag'to…" he mumbled, closing one eye in deep concentration. "…Can't just use N'gato's name like that…"

His eyes began to wander around the room, and finally they settled on a pile of used ramen bowls sitting across from him at the table. "…Ramen… Nag'to… Nagato goes on ramen, right?" he slurred, cocking his head to the side as he stared intensely at the dirty dishes.

Then, an idea. "No, wait, that's Nar'to. Naruto. Naruto!" His eyes lit up excitedly. "Yeah, Naruto! That'll work, I guess," he smiled gleefully, turning to his nearly-final draft of "Makeout Paradise", and penciling in the name with gusto.

"Naruto the legendary womanizer," he fantasized, closing his eyes in imagination – and exhaustion, as the effects of the alcohol finally started to wear on his system.

"I can _totally_ see that."

* * *

"So, anyways, sensei; we wanted to ask for your full permission to use the name from one of your books for our future son."

Jiraiya blinked, as he sat across the living room from his student, the legendary Fourth Hokage. The man was sipping on a small cup of tea, and watching the sage with a mix of anxiety, worry, hope…

…excitement.

Then, Jiraiya gave a sly smile, then waggled his eyebrows knowingly. "One of my books, eh? Which one? Makeout Paradise? Makeout Violence? Some of my periodicals?"

Minato sweatdropped. "Erm, actually, no. I was talking about your first _real_ book, sensei. 'Tales of a Gutsy Shinobi'."

There was silence for a moment, then Jiraiya broke out into uproarious laughter. "THAT book?! Why? It never sold more than a couple hundred copies! Why not go with the name from another one of my books?"

"Because," Minato deadpanned, "The others are all smut."

"So?!" Jiraiya said, finally restraining his giggles. "Smut sells, y'know."

The Hokage just raised a frustrated eyebrow, before letting out a deep sigh, and leaning back in his chair, placing his tea down on the table between them. Then, he smiled endearingly. "You're something else, you know that?"

The pervert just shrugged with a smirk. "Wouldn't have it any other way." Then he blinked. "Wait, then which name did you pick?"

Minato beamed at this, his eyes closing in pure happiness. "Menma."

The blithe expression on Jiraiya's face hardened immediately in confusion, and he shifted in his chair again. "Wait, what? There's no 'Menma' in 'Tales of a Gutsy Shinobi'."

"…What?"

"You heard me. You must have some sort of counterfeit copy or something, because I didn't name anyone Menma in that book. Or in any book, for that matter."

Minato just raised a confused eyebrow to the point where it was burrowing into his hairline. "Uhh… sensei? Are you _sure?_ "

Jiraiya scoffed. "Of course I'm sure! What, do you honestly think that I don't know how my _own_ stories go? Come on, Minato, cut me some slack here."

Instead of insisting on arguing with the stubborn man, Minato chose to instead silently stand from his position on the couch, before walking off without a word, down the hall, into the darkness.

Jiraiya pouted as he watched his expressionless student delve into the darkness of his home, assuming that he was frustrated and wanted to end the conversation. "Aww, c'mon, Minato; don't be like that. Look, if you really, _really_ want to use the name Menma, then I'll heartily endorse it. But I know for sure that it's not in my-"

The sage's eyes widened when a well-weathered copy of his first novel was shoved in his face unceremoniously, and a slightly smug Minato threw himself back into the soft confines of his seat on the sofa.

"See for yourself," was all he said.

Sticking out his tongue at his student, Jiraiya flipped through the first few pages, past his own signature and the words "congratulations on getting the hat!", until he got to the grand reveal – the part of the book when the reader finally learns the name of the 'Gutsy Shinobi' from the title.

 _'If there's such thing as peace in this world, then I'll find it!'_

 _'Wh…what's your name?'_

 _'My name? My name is-'_

"MENMA?!" Jiraiya shouted in disbelief, jumping out of his chair in surprise, bumping the coffee table and sending Minato's half-consumed tea all over the floor with a crash. "WHAT THE HELL? WHO THE- WHY- WHEN- AUGH?!"

He ran his hands through his hair in a dazed panic, spinning around the house in a blubbery, confused stupor.

"Jiraiya-sensei? Jiraiya-sensei!" Minato pressed, standing up and walking over to the man with a frown. "JIRAIYA!"

"-asshole publishers think they can pull a fast one on me, they've got another thing coming!" the man rambled. Then, he blinked, and looked down slightly at the agitated person in front of him.

"Would you calm down?" Minato said gently, eyebrow twitching slightly.

The sage just blinked, before smiling cheekily, averting his gaze. "Oh, heh. Yeah, sorry. Just got a little miffed, that's all."

Minato sighed, and turned around to sit back down again when the very, _very_ pregnant silhouette of his wife appeared in the doorway, holding a pot.

"Uhh, everything cool in here?" she asked with the raising of an eyebrow, slowly stirring the jar of unknown substance. Then, she frowned a bit. "Sounded like Jiraiya-sensei didn't like the name."

"What?! No, no; it's a fine name. I'm just peeved that my publisher decided to pull a fast one on me and not put the _correct_ name in the book, like I wanted him to."

"Correct name?" Minato raised an eyebrow, moving to clean up after his sensei's spillage. "Sensei, don't you reread your own books after they've been published? Or hell, even read the final draft?"

With a frown, Jiraiya sank back down into his seat dejectedly, sighing heavily as he watched the Hokage play nanny. He didn't bother to answer the question; his silence was answer enough.

"So," Kushina said casually, leaning against the doorframe, ladle and pot still in hand, stirring away. "What's the _correct_ name?"

"Hmm? Oh," Jiraiya mumbled, snapping out of his thoughts. Then, he blinked, and cast a warm smile towards his student's wife. "Umm, it was Naruto. At least, that was what the main character of 'Tales of a Gutsy Shinobi' was supposed to be called."

Kushina froze for a moment, obviously thinking heavily about something in particular, since she had stopped her stirring. "Hmm…" she frowned, raising an eyebrow in concentration.

Then, finally, she broke out into a _massive_ grin. "Naruto is a _great_ name."

Minato sat up, gently placing the remnants of the cup on the coffee table, and moved towards his wife gingerly. He swept her into a big, loving hug, then turned to look at Jiraiya with a small twinkle in his eye, still holding onto Kushina like a lifeline.

"Jiraiya-sensei, would you be opposed to us using that name instead?" he smiled warmly, rubbing his wife's shoulders affectionately as he spoke.

Kushina, however, was the first to speak. She turned with a worried frown on her face to look at her husband, and raised an eyebrow. "Wait, Minato; I thought you really liked the name Menma? It was one of the only names we were both able to agree with, y'know."

He laughed softly and buried his neck into her hair as she was pulled into another quick hug. "Oh, Kushina. Honestly, I respect Jiraiya-sensei enough to go with whatever name he insists is the real one." He sent a teasing glance toward the white-haired Sannin, who just rolled his eyes. Then, Minato let out a small laugh again, finally separating himself from his wife. "And, I'll be honest; Naruto sounds pretty cool."

Kushina just smirked and shook her head in disbelief. "You're something else sometimes, you know that, sissy?"

Minato stuck out his tongue playfully at the pregnant woman, as he began to walk back into the living room. "And I'm all yours, Miss Tomato."

It was around now that Minato noticed two things – one, his sensei had a small notebook and a pen out in his lap, into which he was frantically scribbling – and two, the entire front of his jounin flak jacket was doused in ramen broth.

Jiraiya just smirked as he struggled to hold in a blush from the brief amount of intimate contact he had just witnessed, and waggled his pen Minato-ward. "This is going in my next book for sure. But for your sake, I'll be leaving out the ramen-soaked clothes."

Minato just sighed and slumped back into the couch, taking special care not to touch anything near where he had dipped his clothes into Kushina's bowl. "Sure thing – just be sure to actually _get my name right_ , should you use it."

"HEY!"

* * *

"Hokage-sama! Lord Fourth and his wife are inside the barrier, fighting the Nine-Tails by themselves!"

Hiruzen simply blinked in shock, and immediately made a charge for the electric blue barrier that had been erected before him just a _moment_ too early. "What?! We must help them!"

Unfortunately, the barrier had other ideas.

As the Third Hokage nursed his slightly singed forehead, he turned to look intently at the squadron of ANBU that had followed him out to the scene of destruction. His massive Adamantine Staff sat lackadaisically to the side, and he grabbed it in anticipation for what was about to come. "Boar! Weasel! Have you found any weak points in the defensive barrier's construction? Is there a way in?"

"Negative, Lord Third!" announced the one called 'Boar' with a weak salute. "It would appear that the Fourth lives up to his legacy. It is impenetrable!"

Hiruzen sighed, visibly aging years, _decades_ in the span of a few seconds as he contemplated exactly what that meant.

Why is it that in a village that regarded teamwork so highly, so _necessary,_ that people like Minato had to singlehandedly go off and make themselves the hero?

Why didn't they simply ask for help?

The aging shinobi grimaced as he realized the answer. Minato was much too nice – he would never willingly force others to endure pain or even death in his stead – it simply wasn't his nature.

He was, if Hiruzen was honest, _too good_ of a Hokage.

The Sarutobi's thoughts were broken when a shrill cry echoed throughout the suddenly silent clearing. It rang excruciatingly clearly through the night, now that the raging, howling winds and bellowing roars from the Nine-Tails had ceased completely.

But it was the origin of the voice that made Hiruzen's blood run ice-cold. Minato's.

"SEAL!"

And then, like the drop of a dime, the barrier fell. Almost instantaneously, the Third and his ANBU guard were on their feet and charging into the barrier's formerly-protected confines, weaving in and out of the trees, blitzing past smoldering patches of rubble and ash.

Not even the emotion-hardened ANBU could stifle the gasps that echoed past their masks at the carnage that laid before them. And nothing was more surprising than seeing their once-valiant Fourth Hokage slowly fading away into the darkness, clutching his dead wife and newborn child with his pale, nearly-lifeless hands.

When Hiruzen finally worked up the courage and emotional stamina to approach, the blond haired man simply raised his head slightly, to meet his gaze – Hokage to Hokage.

"Hiruzen," he whispered hoarsely, "Please… promise me this." His eyes began to fade slightly, their consistently blue spark graying by the moment. "Promise me that you'll see to it that my son is seen as a hero."

The Hokage jumped ever so slightly. ' _What does he mean by that?'_ Then, a sickening thought came into his mind. ' _Wait, you don't mean... The fox… Minato, what have you done?'_

"What… what is his name?" Hiruzen replied quietly, closing his eyes in a sign of respect for the dying man.

Minato brightened slightly, remembering his son, and he turned with every ounce of residual energy he had left to look down at the child. "Naruto," he said with a small smile, as blood seeped out from between his teeth.

However, Hiruzen frowned at that. "Wait, what did you just say?"

The Fourth Hokage didn't move, but instead opted to simply repeat the name.

"Naruto."

A shocked, honestly surprised look flashed across the old Sarutobi's face, and he blushed slightly. "Uhh… Naruto? As in, the main character in Jiraiya's romantic literature?"

Hiruzen didn't think that Minato could get any paler. The man's eyebrows bunched together above his nose, and he looked up incredulously at his predecessor. "Wait, what?" he said, a confused panic beginning to flash behind his eyes. "Did sensei really…? Oh no… Kushina…" The man desperately strained his neck to look up at the Third, the last of his energy already fading to just droplets, eyes genuinely fearful. "Shit. Don't tell me… we named… him…. after… a porn…"

And so began the rumor that the Fourth Hokage's last word was "porn".

* * *

Jiraiya blinked. "Wait, _what?"_

The Toad Sage's publisher just raised an eyebrow at the man. "Uhh, you heard me. You never bothered to put in a name for the main character in 'Tales of a Gutsy Shinobi'. When you sent me your final draft, there were simply blanks in the writing, like a name was _supposed_ to go there." He shrugged, and leaned back in his chair casually. "We _had_ to fill it with _some_ sort of name, you know."

There was a moment of silence, during which Jiraiya stared, flabbergasted, at the small, stocky man behind his desk, who was now twiddling his thumbs nervously. "And you didn't tell me?!" the white-haired man suddenly asked, pacing back and forth. "No wonder the book didn't sell very well!"

"Jiraiya, calm down. For what it's worth, we _did_ try to contact you. It's just damn near impossible to find you half the time. It's no wonder the courier got lost."

Jiraiya groaned, and sank into the large chair across the desk from the entrepreneur, running shaky hands over his exhausted eyes. "Ugh… so, why did you end up picking the name 'Menma', then? I mean, it doesn't make any sense. And to be honest, it's kind of a shitty name."

The publisher scoffed in indignation. "Pfft. Well, honestly, it was the best we could come up with. We just used the name from your first book – that romantic drama. What was it called? Makeout something-or-another? – and changed it up a bit."

The hand on the Sannin's face slowly slid off of it and into his lap, and exasperated tinge lingering in his features. "What the hell do you mean, used the name from my other book?"

The publisher just shook his head with a frown. "Damn, Jiraiya. Do you honestly not ever read your work once it's finished? Y'know, to proofread? It's important!"

"I like living in the moment!" Jiraiya defended with an animated shake of his arms. "I finish a project, then I move on to my next one! You should know that by now!"

"Well, yeah, that's all well and good," sighed the other man, "But you can't come in here demanding to know why the names aren't to your liking whenever you yourself simply didn't take the time to make sure they were right to begin with."

"Ugh…"

"Look, Jiraiya, that book is out of production now anyways. Relax! Focus on your Makeout series," the author said with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood slightly.

The Toad Sage calmed slightly, before his eyes lit up in realization. "Wait, what name did I use for Makeout Paradise?!" he suddenly demanded, shooting out of his chair.

Although, he had a sneaking suspicion that he already knew the answer.

"Hmm…" The small man rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I think it was another ramen topping or something. That's why we picked Menma, you know. It fit the theme I suppose?"

"What was the name?!" Jiraiya repeated, slightly frantic now.

"Uhh, Narumo? Naruko? Something like that. Why the hell are you so worked up about this?" the publisher asked, with a shake of his head.

"Naruto," Jiraiya corrected, eyes unfocused, staring off into the void of his publisher's office, growing paler by the moment. "I must have accidentally submitted the name Naruto with the wrong book…"

Then, he gulped, eyes widening to the size of satellite dishes. "Minato and Kushina are going to haunt me for the rest of eternity for this."

* * *

"Alright, everyone; please line up here. We'll get you seated shortly."

The tell-tale clamor of a small army of children clinging not-so-desperately to a set of given instructions rang throughout the halls of the Academy, just like it always did this time of year. The leaves were changing, the days were shortening…

…and children were grimacing at the thought of having to go _back to school again_.

For one boy, however, that grimace was replaced with an earsplitting grin.

It was his first year, his first chance to _truly prove himself_ – and he was gonna do just that!

And so, Naruto Uzumaki strolled into his classroom blithely, eying the room full of potential shinobi with a kind, yet worried gaze.

He had honestly forgotten about the fact that _other people_ would be going to school with him, too.

They were all mostly his age – with a few that looked ever so slightly older. It was those children that gave him the glares and harsh stares.

But Naruto just shrugged it off like always, the small feeling of hope inside of his stomach quickly burning away like an oxygen-deprived candle.

Hope that this… _this would be different._

His grin contorted into a small pout, of sorts, and he trudged over to an empty seat, near the middle of the classroom. With a loud sigh, he plopped himself down into the hard wooden seat, folding his orange-clad arms on the desk and laying his head down with a small 'thud'.

Great. This was just gonna be another ordeal.

Still, if he wanted to be a ninja – be _Hokage_ – he was going to have to endure the endless teasing at the best, and cruel sneers at the worst.

It was just something he expected now, much to the Third's everlasting chagrin. The boy rolled his forehead around his forearm amicably, wondering how in the world he had managed to befriend the only person – well, the only ninja, at least – that actually tolerated him. Even at his worst, when he was adding much-needed mustaches and eyebrows to the four ridiculously stoic-looking statues that girdled the far side of the village, or forcing the village's top shinobi to reevaluate their tracking skills.

Whatever. He'd just keep on keeping on, just like always. It was in his blood – and he never backed down, believe it!

Then, suddenly, Naruto heard strange mumbled gurgle from his left. He ignored it, hoping that it would simply go away and leave him alone – he was tired. He had stayed up all night long in excitement, and… well, now that his hopes had been crushed that this place would be better for him, Naruto felt like a boulder of exhaustion had been dropped on him from atop a ten-story building.

The gurgling seemed to increase in volume and tempo, and the blond-haired 8-year-old simply forced his forehead harder into his own arm, hoping that whatever was making the strange buzzing noise would simply turn tail and _leave him alone._

Then, suddenly, the buzzing wasn't quite buzzing anymore.

"EXCUSE ME!"

"Nyah!"

The boy leapt out of his chair in surprise, only to realize that he had the entire – now silent – room full of children's eyes on his.

As well as a very, _very_ irate instructor, with some strange scar running horizontally across his face.

"Wake up and join the class, please! You're missing attendance!" The man frowned with an exasperated sigh, as if he'd been standing there for quite some time, before turning on his heel and walking back down the stairs to the front of the classroom, where a dusty chalkboard with the words 'Welcome to the Shinobi Academy' were scribbled in big, bold letters down the middle.

The entire classroom broke into a dull roar of muffled laughter, as Naruto's fellow students cast him a pitiful glance, before returning their attention to the front of the room, where the angry chuunin now stood, perched in front of a small podium, an open book laid out before him.

"Now," the instructor stated professionally, clearing his throat to attract the attention of those last few students that were recoiling from Naruto's shenanigans. "As I was saying, before I was _distracted..._ " the man gave a pointed glance at the blond-haired boy, "…my name is Iruka Umino. You can call me Iruka-sensei." He flipped through a few pages of the register before him. "Right. Now, since today is the first day, I want to be sure that everyone that's enrolled is actually in attendance. Therefore, we'll be doing roll first."

A wave of hardly-suppressed disgruntlement washed over the classroom. "When are we gonna start learning cool jutsus!" one small brown-haired boy in a forest green t-shirt in the front row blurted out, shaking his fist in the air amongst the commotion.

"QUIET!" Iruka bellowed. "That is not what the Shinobi Academy is about. If you came here simply in the intention of learning 'cool jutsus'…" he stuck his hands in the air in mock air quotes, "…then you had better leave now. The next four years will be nothing but hell for you."

 _That_ silenced the room. A few students in mostly civilian clans gulped audibly, and Iruka just let out a small smile. "Look, I don't mean to scare you, but being a ninja is serious business." He pointed to the bridge of his nose, outlining his scar gently. "You see this? I got it when I was in the Academy, around the same age as all of you. We were practicing our kunai throwing skills, and I didn't take things seriously enough." He narrowed his eyes at the crowd of children. "Now, I have a scar – a constant reminder – that will follow me for the rest of my life. All because I didn't take the shinobi world seriously."

He then slouched his shoulders slightly in relaxation, giving a gentle smile to his students. "Now, with that being said, we're going to take things slowly." The smile got bigger, ever so slightly. "This _is_ only your first year, you know."

Most of the students murmured in slight agitation, accepting the chuunin's explanation in stride.

Well… all but one.

"I don't have time to be sitting around here, getting my name called!" Naruto blurted out, leaping to his feet and pointing an accusing finger at his sensei. "I need to get super strong, that way I can take the Old Man's hat one day!"

Iruka let out an agitated sigh. "Yes, yes. I bet. But…" the man's eyes suddenly locked on Naruto's cerulean, making him flinch slightly under their weight. "…remember this: even the Hokage – both the Third _and_ the Fourth – went through this Academy, and _they_ all did what they were told."

Naruto blinked, slightly disbelieving at first. He locked his eyes in a fierce stare with Iruka, who refused to back down.

Finally, with a pout, the boy crossed his arms together in a huff, and slammed his backside down into his previously disregarded chair. "Fine, whatever," he mumbled, looking away in annoyance.

With a small smile, Iruka nodded once in victory, before turning back to his ledger. "Alright. With _that_ out of the way, let's get started, shall we?"

Silence, which Iruka took as his signal to continue – at least, until the blondie piped up again.

"Chouji Akamichi."

The sound of a bag of chips being rapidly stashed away could be heard echoing through the deafening silence in the classroom. "Here," mumbled a rather stocky child with wild chestnut hair, mouth obviously full of something.

The class laughed – at least, the few that personally knew Chouji laughed. The rest just kind of raised an eyebrow in confusion.

After the amusement in the room faded slightly, and Chouji's blush had died back ever so slightly, Iruka checked off his name in the book and then moved on to the next one. "Sakura Haruno."

"Here!"

Check. "Hinata Hyuuga."

"P-Present."

Check. "Kiba Inuzuka."

"Here! And so is Akamaru!"

"Woof!"

Iruka blinked, then nodded with a small smile. "Right. I'll be sure to pencil him in."

Check.

The rest of the next five minutes churned by in a hazy blur for Naruto, until…

"Sasuke Uchiha."

"Present."

Check.

Then, the chuunin sensei stopped dead in his tracks.

"Okay," he scowled, looking up at his class with eyes slivered. "Which one of you messed around with my attendance sheet?"

All eyes shifted to Naruto's, who just blinked stupidly. "Uhh, what? What are you guys starin' at me for? I didn't do anything this time."

"This time…?" Iruka growled slightly, before forcefully pointing at the podium's surface. "So, you mean to tell me that you _didn't_ sneak up here and write the name 'Naruto Uzumaki' in this thing?"

Naruto blinked. "Uhh, what?"

The chuunin's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You heard me."

A few voices erupted from the back of the room. "Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that the guy from those porn books? My brother reads them all the time!"

"Yeah, my dad's always reading about Naruto! Although I don't know why he hides it from Mom whenever she comes home…"

All eyes looked at the blond-haired boy in sly amusement, as if they all expected this to be part of one of his legendary pranks. Nobody knew the boy's name, but they _all_ knew what he looked like, and just what havoc he wrought on the poor village people most every day.

All eyes, granted, except for Iruka's.

There was a moment of intense silence, wherein the class simply watched the chuunin glare at Naruto, who just stood in front of his chair, a flabbergasted expression carved into his face like the Hokage Monument.

Although, Naruto had to admit deep down, in the part of him that _wasn't_ completely confused beyond comprehension, that a little emotion would go a _long_ _way_ for those boring old mugs.

Another heartbeat.

"WHAT?!" Naruto bellowed childishly, pulling at his hair exasperatedly. "Are you seriously telling me that I'm named after a PERVERT?!"

Iruka blinked, but he recovered quickly, and scowled fiercely at the boy. "Oh no you don't. You can't get over on me _that_ easily. I may be just a chuunin, but you won't be outsmarting _me_ anytime soon."

Naruto, to the surprise of everyone in the class that had any experience with the boy's personality, didn't move a muscle, or make any attempt to respond.

Until he shook his head vehemently, an unbelieving scream echoing around the classroom. "YOU AREN'T SERIOUS, ARE YOU?! WHAT THE HELL!"

"SHUT IT!" Iruka yelled. "Tell me your _real_ name, or I'm going to march you right down to the Hokage's office and have him beat it out of you!"

"B…but… my name _is_ Naruto! It's my name, damn it! Why doesn't anyone believe me!"

Iruka's eyes flashed dangerously, and he began to march towards the exit. "You. Out the door. Now."

"B-but-"

"NOW!"

With a dejected, confused, rattled sigh, Naruto slouched forward, staring at the ground with a frown, as he made his way down the steps towards the doorway. He made no attempt to acknowledge the slightly growling form of his new sensei to his left as he passed through the door, not even waiting for Iruka to catch up with him. He had been to see the Hokage enough times to walk there blindfolded…

…wait! The Hokage!

Naruto broke out into a grin when he realized that going to the Hokage was actually a _godsend_ , not a punishment. The Old Man would surely be able to vouch for him, _and_ he'd get to see the look on Iruka's face when he realized that his name _wasn't_ a joke.

It would be _legendary_.

His grin gained a more foxy, mischievous gleam to it, and his slow trudge through the streets of the Leaf increased to normal walk, then to a brisk pace, then to a full-out run.

"Hey! Wait a minute, where do you think you're going!" Iruka called out in frustration, attempting to grab at Naruto's collar ineffectively. Failing to reel in the rowdy boy, the chuunin huffed in displeasure, and chased after him.

They weren't at it long, before Naruto literally turned a street corner and _smashed_ face-first into a poor, hapless gentleman wearing flowing white robes and a pointy hat…

Naruto's eyes widened when he realized who it was. "Old Man! Hey!"

Hiruzen blinked, removing the weathered pipe from his mouth with his hand, before looking down at the orange-clad boy with a raised eyebrow. When he recognized the mop of blond and telltale whisker marks, the Third simply smiled warmly, and tousled the hair atop Naruto's head endearingly. "Naruto! It's good to see you."

"Hey! Cut it out!" Naruto said, squirming out from under the old Sarutobi's affection, beaming all the while. "That's embarrassing, y'know!"

The Hokage just beamed, then suddenly frowned worryingly. "Say, shouldn't you be in class right now?" He asked endearingly, looking down at the boy in an awfully fatherly way.

It was then that a rather exhausted, heavily panting scarred man in a chuunin vest stumbled upon the pair, a look of pure destruction bubbling up behind his pupils.

"YOU BRAT! I finally – FINALLY caught up with you-"

He stopped for another moment to catch his breath, when he realized who was standing next to said brat. A raised eyebrow simply looked back at him, almost asking him, "…Well? Out with it already."

"O-Oh! Hokage-sama! I see you've already found this little troublemaker," he began with a cursory bow, before turning to frown at Naruto impatiently. "He cooked my books, in a manner of speaking."

"He did what now?" Hiruzen said with a small frown, yet there was the obvious glint of humor hiding away in his eyes. "Naruto, is this true?"

Nobody spoke for a moment. The Hokage looked almost smug; Naruto was simply staring at Iruka expectantly, as if in anticipation to commit his sensei's next facial expression to memory; and the chuunin himself had just frozen in lack of comprehension.

"W-wait…what?" He blubbered, stumbling over his feet a bit as he attempted to balance himself. Then, he grimaced. "Aww, Hokage-sama, don't tell me you're in on this too?"

"Oh? In on what?" The Third asked patiently, propping the pipe between his teeth, keenly placing his hands behind his back.

Iruka opened and closed his mouth a few times, as his brain attempted to parse what exactly was going on.

Then, he slumped dejectedly. "You're kidding, right? The kid's name can't _possibly_ be Naruto, can it?"

Hiruzen jumped a bit, before turning to look down at the blond haired boy. "Who, this guy here? Of course. Naruto Uzumaki, the Leaf's most infamous prankster." His eyes twinkled in mirth, and Naruto just scoffed and wrapped his hands around his neck, turning to look away all cool-like.

A ten-thousand pound weight was seemingly tossed onto Iruka's back, and he just sighed in dejection. Then, he turned ever so slightly, head still nearly pinned to the floor, before speaking quieter than a mouse. "I… I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

Naruto just beamed his biggest smile, and gave the chuunin instructor a big thumbs-up. "Hey, no problem! Honest mistake!"

Iruka gave a small smile at that, and sighed. "Well, at least let me buy you lunch today or something. My treat. It's the least I can do."

The blondie's eyes lit up like lightning. "Lunch?! Can we get ramen?! Please? Pleasepleaseplease?"

Iruka just nodded with a small grin as the boy bounced around him in excitement, causing Naruto to whoop and holler in delight.

Hiruzen just chuckled, and shifted the pipe between his teeth slightly, looking down at the dancing boy. "Alright then, Naruto; head on back to class. I'd like to have a word with your sensei."

Naruto beamed, and sent a wink Iruka's way.

"Oooh, you're gonna get it," he whispered huskily towards him as he began to jog away, causing Iruka to sweatdrop and shake his head.

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, turning to look back at the Third amicably. "My sincerest apologies, Hokage-sama. I honestly thought someone was pranking me." Iruka rubbed the back of his head trepidatiously. "I mean, it's not every day that you see someone with the same name as the main character in one of the legendary Jiraiya's books."

There was a brief moment of silence, as Hiruzen shifted his pipe around his mouth expressionlessly, before he simply smiled and nodded, turning to walk away.

"I never took _you_ of all people to be a pervert, Iruka," he called out behind him as he took his leave, "After all, that's the only way you could possibly know that."

The Hokage rounded the streetcorner with a cheeky grin, leaving the dumbfounded chuunin by himself in the middle of the quiet streets of the Leaf.

"I should really use my crystal ball more often," he chuckled to himself good-naturedly. "It's such good fun to meddle sometimes."

Then, the Hokage burst into a giant cloud of smoke, leaving without a trace.

* * *

"Alright, why don't we begin by talking a little bit about ourselves? Name, likes, dislikes, goals or ambitions, that sort of thing."

The pink-haired girl raised an eyebrow. "Eh, sensei? Why don't you go first? That way we know what to do?"

The strange, eccentric, silver-haired ninja just blinked his lone eye, then shrugged, not bothering to put his orange-pastel novel away. "Alright. I'm Kakashi Hatake. I have no desire to tell you my likes and dislikes…" he let out an accentuated yawn, slouching a bit on his perch on the roof, "… my dreams for the future? Hmm…" He scratched his masked chin thoughtfully, then nodded, as if agreeing with something he had said. "As for my hobbies, well… I have lots of hobbies…"

Sakura, the girl from before, only sweatdropped. "You only told us your name!" she mumbled in frustration.

Hero other two teammates only blinked slowly in agitation, having come to the same realization themselves.

Being on this man's team was going to a very taxing ordeal, she could already tell. Not to mention the fact that Naruto – the annoying prankster dead-last from their graduating class was paired up with them.

' _Oh well!'_ she chirped internally, breaking out in to a big grin. ' _At least Sasuke's here with me._ '

"Alright, Pinkie, you're up," the Jounin drawled, and whatever preconceptions that the three genin-to-be had in regards to Kakashi's posture were smashed when he somehow slouched even _further_ into his book.

"Umm…" Sakura began, not exactly sure where to begin.

While the kunoichi launched into some sort of giggling fit, stealing glances at Sasuke all the while, Naruto just yawned and leaned back a bit himself, staring off into space.

He was still reeling from the past week's events, if he was honest. His startling graduation, and the events that led up to it, finding out he was something called a "jinchuuriki", which just confused him, to be perfectly frank, and also the fact that he was now teamed up with the biggest idiot in the world.

Said idiot was next in line, beginning to launch into some sort of brooding diatribe about killing someone and reviving his clan. Naruto just scoffed internally, jealous of the other boy's cool and collected attitude. It drove him _nuts_.

"Alright, Blondie, your turn."

Naruto blinked, then split his face in two with a big, cheeky grin. "Right!" Then, he frowned embarrassedly. "Wait, what am I supposed to do again?"

"YOU IDIOT!" Sakura screeched, wailing on the back of his head with the palm of her hand, sending him flying, facefirst, into the rooftop pavement below. "Just tell him your name, and what your likes and dislikes are!"

"Ouch! Jeez, fine!" he moaned, sitting up sheepishly, and reseating himself next to the fuming Sakura, and indifferent Sasuke.

He cleared his throat dramatically, and gave the biggest grin in his arsenal. "My name is Naruto Uzumaki! My likes a-"

He was cut off by a series of loud giggles. At first, he didn't know what to think of it, until he saw his newest sensei holding his sides and trying to restrain himself.

"Heh, heheh, sorry," he coughed out, trying to regain some composure, standing up straighter on the pillar he was perched upon.

Naruto just narrowed his eyes in confusion, then looked at the small orange book that was now closed in Kakashi's hands.

Then, he pointed an exaggeratedly angry finger at the man. "HEY! _You're_ a big old pervert too, aren't you!"

Kakashi began to sputter violently, the microscopic portion of his face exposed to the elements darkening just a tad bit. "What? N-no way. That's not true."

"You're a big fat liar!" Naruto accused, crossing his arms in a pout. "You laughed at my name, just like everyone else always does! What the hell is _up_ with that, anyways?! I know it's apparently the name of the guy from a pervy book, but…"

His eyes flickered to the orange book that Kakashi was valiantly trying to cram back into his pocket, to no avail.

"WAIT! That's it, isn't it!"

Kakashi sighed in defeat, and shrugged noncommittally.

Naruto leapt to his feet and made a lunge for the book, but Kakashi was exponentially faster, simply sidestepping the blonde's enthusiastic grasping. Naruto turned and frowned, charging again with a battle cry.

"Hey! Save it for the test, would you!" Kakashi said dryly, apparently getting over his previous embarrassment, holding his book-wielding hand above Naruto's head, as the boy jumped and grasped for it like a dog lunging for a ball.

"Just!" Jump. "Tell!" Jump. "Me!" Jump. "Who!" Jump. "Wrote!" Jump. "The damn thing!"

Sakura rolled her eyes, having not moved since the show began. "Come on, Naruto. I see people reading that trash all the time." She huffed in annoyance when Kakashi broke into another fit of giggles at the announcement of Naruto's name once again. "It was written by the Toad Sannin, Jiraiya."

Naruto just froze in midair, hand still reaching out in an attempt to snag the book from Kakashi's lackadaisical grasp. "Wait, what?! Sakura, you knew all this time?!"

"Of course she knew, idiot," Sasuke droned, looking off to the horizon dramatically. "Everybody knows that."

"WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME!" Naruto screeched, falling to his knees in anguish. "All these years! All the pointing and laughing! And you assholes knew all this time who did it!"

Big, giant, crocodile tears began to fly across his face, and Sakura just sweatdropped, her eye beginning to twitch in frustration. "You idiot!" she hollered again, jumping to her feet and clenching her fists in preparation for a pummeling. "You think _you_ have it bad?! I was named after a damned _tree_ , for Kami's sake! Don't talk to me about shit names!"

Naruto's eyes widened in fear as the pink harpy descended on him with fire in her eyes, and the sounds of broken roof tiles and screams of terror echoed throughout the village for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

"Ohohoho…" Jiraiya scoffed cheekily, wiping his bloody nose on his sleeve of his kimono as he continued to stare through his telescope through the small, minute crack in the bathhouse wall. "That's right… turn just a _little more_ to the left…"

He then began to frantically scribble away in the small notepad he had in his free hand, never taking his eyes off of the beautiful brunette bombshell he was eying rabidly, mouth turned up in a cheeky grin.

"I say! It is quite rude for someone to be peeping at this time of day!" Came the wildly effeminate caterwauling of a strange, tall, black-clad, spectacled jounin from across the hot springs.

Jiraiya almost didn't bother looking up to acknowledge the man, until he heard the complaints of a rather vivacious blond boy manifest behind him, complaining about training, or something like it.

Jiraiya's heart skipped a beat, but he still refused to turn fully and acknowledge the duo.

Then, suddenly, the boy turned his attention to him. "HEY! You perv! Get the hell away from the woman's bathhouse!"

The boy's hollering apparently carried further through the air than Jiraiya expected, because suddenly the sound of screaming girls and a stampede of bare feet on tile ricocheted around the Toad Sage's mind like a pack of wild hogs.

"AWW! Come on, kid!" Jiraiya wailed, turning on his toad to glare down at the boy that had caused him so much trouble.

What he saw honestly nearly made him fall from his amphibious perch. The boy had medium-length, spikey blond hair and brilliant cerulean blue eyes; eyes that cut through even the brightest of days like diamonds. His face was adorned with six small whisker-like birthmarks, and a fierce glare was peppered on his features like some sort of mask. Jiraiya could tell immediately that the boy was much more of a smiler.

Basically, all he saw was Minato and Kushina. And he then knew exactly who this person was.

"Master Jiraiya?!" The sunglasses-clad jounin gaped, running up next to Naruto on the small bridge overlooking the hotsprings, and openly gaping at the legendary Toad Sage.

"AHA!" Jiraiya boomed, a massive, brazen grin etched across his face, as he stood tall and proud.

Or boastfully. Neither of the other two Leaf shinobi could tell the difference, to tell the truth.

"I see you have heard of me! The one, the only, Legendary Toad Sage Jiraiya of Mount Myoboku!"

There was a brief pause, during which Ebisu simply sweatdropped.

But then, suddenly, the blond boy started growling.

"Wait a second…" he began to ask quietly, teeth grinding together fiercely. "You mean the guy that writes all those pervy novels?"

Not thinking anything of it, Jiraiya smiled with pride, arms on his hips. "You are correct, my boy! They don't call me a womanizer for nothing!"

The glare on Naruto's face only deepened.

"You mean to tell me." He began, eyes cast in massive shadows, as his hair shrouded his face from view darkly. "That you're the one that used the name Naruto in your shitty porn books."

Jiraiya started, and looked down at the boy apprehensively. "Eh heh, umm… you know about that, do you?" he mumbled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck in nervousness. "I suppose a 'sorry' is in order, isn't it?"

The corners of Naruto's face turned up into a creepy smile, as he looked back up into Jiraiya's eyes, his own ice cold and threatening.

Suddenly, Jiraiya felt as though two specters manifested themselves behind the boy, both scowling just as hard. To his left was Kushina, who was grinning just as evilly, cracking her knuckles and shaking in excitement. To his right was Minato, who simply had narrowed eyes and crossed arms, still ready to jump into action as soon as necessary.

Jiraiya gulped at the sight before him, visibly paling. "Uhh, so sorry?"

Naruto actually let out a giggle. An actual giggle. Jiraiya's blood began to freeze in his veins.

' _Oh, Kami help me now,'_ he thought in terror, as the boy began to walk towards him slowly.

"I finally found you!" he said with a crazed look in his eye. "You know how much shit you've put me through because of my name?" Naruto cracked his knuckles gruesomely, taking another step forward.

Then, he grinned even bigger, eyes narrowing.

"Apology not accepted."

* * *

 **Author's Note(s):** What?! A one-shot? "What kind of fresh hell is this?" you must be asking. To which I shall reply: A damn good one!

This was an idea that Duesal Bladesinger (link on my profile!) came up with after reading my most recent chapter of "Blonding" (link also on my profile!): What if Naruto had been named after one of Jiraiya's porn books instead of "Tales of a Gutsy Shinobi"?

And so, we decided to do something interesting, just to see what would happen. We were each given a week (not that either of us needed that much time - the idea was too fresh in our minds) to write our own interpretation of the... 'prompt', per se. What you see here is the fruit of my labor. However, this means that there's still ANOTHER story you have to read next!

 **Head on over to Duesal's account, read his version of the one-shot, then favorite and follow the shit out of him!** He's an awesome writer, an awesome reader, and an awesome person in general. If you like what I write, I guarantee you that you'll like his stuff more. Also, his profile is freaking hilarious.

 **Link is on my profile!**

Thanks for reading; now go read the other story! Shoo! ;P  
-Endo


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